A Week of Loss: MJ, FF and EM...Sad...Can We Move On

Rest in Peace - ED, FARRAH AND MICHAEL

Ok, Since I have no apparent fans yet...and Pop Culture is admitedly a part of my life we must address some celebrity news...this week started off with Ed McMahon dying...sad but not a tragedy he had a good fairly long life..to Farrah which was somewhat more sad for me as she had a awful struggle with cancer and my heart breaks for her. No one...or at least mostly no one should have to suffer like she did. It was expected, she had been given last rights and was surrounded by her loved ones (except Redmond who is in jail for drug charges). On the same day mere 4 hours later or so...Michael Jackson. Iconic. Controversial. Undeniably talented. Relatively healthy. Sudden death. SHOCK.
The first night I got it. MJ was the headline news. Farrah a mere scroll at the bottom of the screen. This angered me. How do we measure a life? Why is MJ more important?? But ok can live with the fact taht all news channels were having 24/7 coverage of MJ....following his body to the morgue, the morbid last picture of him as they try to revive him (can't belief the disrespect in the one who took and the one who bought and the ones who air). Than the shock. The fans outside the hospital. His bios are next. Who was Michael Jackson. Now the focus on the celeb doctors out there who are catalysts for these types of sad stories.

But tonight is Saturday. Night 3 of the coverage and I am wanting to pull my eyelashes out of my eyes. What about the NEWS??? Have we forgot whats going on in Iran. a mere few hours before MJ dies we were all about the suffering of those who are trying to just peacefully rally and be heard. What about any news going on in the White House. Bills being past, debates discussions, etc. I will even watch the unwatchable....the newest Politician to cheat on his wife. JUST GIVE THIS NEWS JUNKIE HER NEWS ALREADY.

Am I being disrespectful? I don't mean to be...As a FB friend's status said, enough is enough. We have our boys and girls in a war dying every day. Lets get a little perspective.

Yes, Michael Jackson had talent, was a tortured soul, had 3 children and a mother/siblings, and most likely someone who wanted to live...and was tragically lost. That is sad. Just stop the 24/7 coverage for those who yearn for some actual news. RIP Ed, Farrah, and Michael

DAUGHTERS

THANK YOU JOHN MAYER!!!!
Gosh I am at work (shhhh) and taking a 'break' listening to my internet music and John Mayer's "Daughters" just came on. That song has significant meaning for me and became a very special sign that I was having my miracle daughter.

It was January 2004, I had just gone through my first Invitro Fertilization procedure. I had been pinned and prodded and given a plethera of shots by my very good 'doctor' husband who learned how to do the shots without much pain. All this and I produced ONE viable fertilized egg to transfer. Some said why bother? Freeze and try to get some more fertilzied eggs. My doctor said we will do the transfer and keep our fingers crossed. Oh did I mention the important fact that my ONE egg was poor grade which means poor quality and the likelihood of it 'taking' was slim to know. But we went through the transfer. The transfer is not difficult. You are given a valium to relax you. The procedure takes 2 seconds. Its amazing really. Than they wheel you into recovery where you lay for about an hour.

During the months of preparation and other procedures the song "Daughters" came out. I of course so badly wanted a healthy baby...but favored the idea of having a girl. I would listen to the song over and over again as my inspiration. Laying in recovery listening to the radio in the clinic...Daughters came on. I got very teary and looked at hubby and said, "maybe this is a sign?". We did the 2 week wait...which seemed to be 2 months. And on my anniversary I did a home test and found I was pregnant. Officially told the next day after the bloodwork that I was indeed pregnant. JOY beyond belief. My miracle baby. The docs were astounded. They copied my ultrasound pics to show other patients that it is possible and not to give up hope that it only takes 1 fertilized egg to make a baby. In fact there was a brief week they thought it was twins as there were two sacs but...the other never happend. I had one baby. In my 21st week of pregnancy I found out my baby was a girl and I was over the moon. 3 days later I went into premature labor and after 12 hours of labor gave birth to a pre-mature stilbborn baby girl. She was beautiful and I was heartbroken. I would listen to the song "Daugthers" and just be heartbroken at the loss of my baby girl. It was a pain I will never completely recover from.

It took me one year to recover both emotionally and physically and a few minor procedures to get my body ready for another cycle of Invitro. This time the prodding and shots resulted in 11 viable fertilized eggs. The doctor recommended only transfering 2 and the embryologist recommended I transfer 4. We decided to transfer 3. We were hoping for a singleton (1) pregancy as I had been diagnosed with incompetent cervix and I feared if I got pregnant with more than 1 I would for sure lose the babies. I knew a surgical procedure (cerclage) was needed at 15 weeks. I knew 6 months of bedrest was in my future. I embraced it all....just let it work.

So we transfered the 3 and as they wheeled me out of the recovery for my wait, I asked for the same room (actually a little cubicle) to lay in as previously as it had a window I liked to look at while I waited. The radio on....remember a year later...and lo and behold John Mayers "Daughters" comes on. Beyond Tears. Could this be a sign again? I was so scared to get my hopes up but I felt that this coincidence was a sign and let it comfort me somewhat.

Gosh those two weeks were equally long. The only comfort I found was that Week 2 of the wait period brought on heartbearn and a nauseau I had never felt before. That nauseau stayed with me for 14 weeks as I discovered, yes it did work, yes I was pregnant and yes, it was with one baby who I later found out was a baby girl.

One daughter never replaced the other. I still long for Sophie's sister and wish I could have had both. I was scared of how I would feel if it were a girl, I was scared to wish too much for a daughter I can raise and share my life with. I would lay in bed and envision my lost firstborn daughter in heaven with my grandma and grandpa and uncle and all the loved ones I lost who were taking good care of 'the baby'. I had a lot of time on my hands to think A LOT as I had the 6 month bedrest to get through. Very nervewracking and emotional. But on October 3rd, her actual due date, Sophie "RoRo" entered the world and filled my heart. On June 11th it was 5 years since I had lost my daughter. She will always be in my heart. Now when I hear "Daugthers" I think of both of my baby girls. The one I had lost and is an angel in heaven and the other who is my earth angel and the light of my life. SO THANKS John Mayer!! ;)

I Do! I Do!

LITTLE MISS INDEPENDENT

No, its not a bride or groom on their wedding day. Its the most common sound of my day living with my 2.8 yr old daughter, Sophie. My daughter has taken this I DO to the next level...she has become obsessed with a particular episode of Cailou where little sister Rosie wants to put her own shoes on and in her sweet voice says "I Do Cailou I Do". Well Sophie's response to this episode is "thats so funny!". For weeks now I hear every day..."Momma, Cailous...I do I do". Thank you speech therapist for helping my daughter learn to speak more...now I know what she wants!

Do you remember Erik Erikson from child psychology classes (shout out to psych majors). Mr. Erikson explained it best. My 2 year old is going through Autonomy versus Shame (Will) in which its very normal for my child to say I DO or NO or pull away as we try to assist them with their daily activities. My litle Sophie is learning to have self-control, courage and will. Erikson goes onto say that this is the time in which we have the opportunity to build our child's self-esteem. Makes sense but enough text book...in practical terms....this is a stage we can totally screw up our child. React the wrong way too many times and we will have a child with poor self-esteem. How is that for pressure? OMG!? How can I avoid whatever pitfalls my mom fell into...as I did not have the best self esteem growing up (not to mention being overweight and many issues that came with that?!).

The power of being a mommy is pretty darn scary. Is it ok to fall back on the standard "do the best you can..its all you can do"? I think not. I think our generation can be a little more informed (but not too informed...lets not get OCD here). Its easier to be informed than our parents. They didn't talk. They literally had no outlet to share. No internet...no Mommy and Me. They had their neighborhood coffee klutches filled with others who were clueless. At best they had Phil Donohue..who I am not certain covered a lot of topics on children or not but it was clearly not enough. We have the internet, classes, message boards, facebook, twitter and my new find...BLOGS!!!!

So join me in taking a collective deep breath and next time as my daughter slows me up to put on her shoes (even if on the wrong foot like Rosie), I will simply take a deep breath. I can be a few minutes late for that appointment?! Let her learn to put her shoes on...encourage her..embrace her independence and always let her know her momma is here to guide her and yet give her that chance to suceed or fail even if it takes forever to get the darn shoes on!Oh and by the way....That Cailou episode we talked about earlier has been replaced with the one where Cailou gets hurt and needs band-aids on his knees. This episode supports her newest obsession....band-aids! Let me go see what Erikson has to say about that.

Escaping with Old Friends.

TIME WITH OLD FRIENDSI just spent the weekend with my childhood girlfriends. It was to be a combination of events: 1 Wedding, 2 New babies and 1 friend who had terminal cancer. Unfortunately my friend passed just a week before my visit. With sadness I used this visit as a cathartic retreat with my friends. My real friends. I went solo....no husband and no 2 1/2 year old. Just me, myself and I. A rare treat. I have not gone anywhere that was not a work related trip by myself. This was all about me. Not work. Not family obligations. Just taking care of me and boy did I accomplish just that.One of the biggest differences between a an 'friend' and a real friend...is the ability to listen coupled with a desire to give you what you need. Its mutual. Give and take. This time I was on the take (very rare for me). Now 2 out of the 4 of my friends who I visited with were mommies. I strategically stayed in a friends house without kids (how bad is that but remember I had the goal of complete selfishness and relaxation). My friends heard what I needed 1) SLEEP 2) Down Time 3) spending time with each of their familes and kiddies 4) visiting my old chlidhood places and video them to show my daughter. They did not push for more exciting plans. There was no "we have to go to this new place that is supposed to be the place to go", there was no "I have to run errands...come along with me and we'll squeeze your needs in. They knew what I needed and as a true friend wanted to make sure I was taken care of.

Something very relevant here is that I am married 10 years to my best friend....my husband who has a disability which does not allow me to leave my daughter home with him at the moment (his seizures can still scare her and hurt her if he he is not aware of what he is doing). So I don't get a whole lot of girlfriend time or alone time. I have my parents nearby but I keep them busy watching the little one on the few days per week so I can go to my office.

My friends knew it was a long time before I relaxed without worries. I don't want to give the impression I am always about me! So what did I do during my escape weekend. I cooked with a girlfriend, I remembered a lost girlfriend with another friend, I watched the kiddies play at a park on a beautiful day, I held two lovely little baby boys, I danced at a friends wedding, and I slept. Boy did I sleep well. I had a cozy room that made me feel as if I was in a bed and breakfast. I was in heaven. But boy did I miss my little girl and wish she could share in this experience with me. There is always next time. My friends made me feel home. Made me feel safe and at peace. It was a nice feeling. Why can't I feel that every day? Responsibilites for one...having to be the primary provider of my family. Everyone counts on me. I love my life. I SO love my life. Just wish there was a little more money in the bank. Being able to breath. Its always about $ and I hate it.....ok deep sigh. Inhale...Exhale.

Now I leave you with my question...how do you find a mommy friend who knows you like your childhood friends, who is there for you without conditions, who has similar values, interests and beliefs about raising kids all wrapped into one? I find this a challenge. Will this change when my child enters preschool next year? Maybe its where I live, I just wish people would put down the masks and just keep it real. Don't be afraid to show us your not the best housekeeper. A real friend won't judge and will simply understand when you close your bedroom door on us. We get it....its just too real. We all have one of those rooms!!

Than there is the time. How do I make a friend if I can't give you much time? Phone time limited to cel phone conversations in the car taking over my 2.5 yr old who says "she wants to talk". I can't have many playdates because I work full time. Unless they are willing to stop by on a day I work from home and let me be in front of my laptop while we hang for an hour or two. I can't leave the little one w/ hubby due to the forementioned seizures. My mom gives me a lot and I can't ask for her to watch little one much more than i am. I have neglected my marriage and myself for nearly 3 years. My dreams of wanting a large family are gone. I have replaced it with a fabulous little girl who gets me and I get her and I am SO into her. She fulfils me and I can't wait to share my life with her, teach her, learn from her, love her. I have a husband who is my best friend...we have been through so much together and I love him. I do love him. We just have a lot going on with his not being able to drive...and get out....and work at the moment (for the past 3 years). Its tough. He hates it and I wish I could lean on him a bit more. We are working through it and I have complete faith in us as a family.

OH MY what a path I JUST went down. I knew this blog would be theraputic. But its scary to put it out there. Do I want anyone who knows me to KNOW me? Draft or Post? DRAFT or POST? Gonna go choose.