DAUGHTERS

THANK YOU JOHN MAYER!!!!
Gosh I am at work (shhhh) and taking a 'break' listening to my internet music and John Mayer's "Daughters" just came on. That song has significant meaning for me and became a very special sign that I was having my miracle daughter.

It was January 2004, I had just gone through my first Invitro Fertilization procedure. I had been pinned and prodded and given a plethera of shots by my very good 'doctor' husband who learned how to do the shots without much pain. All this and I produced ONE viable fertilized egg to transfer. Some said why bother? Freeze and try to get some more fertilzied eggs. My doctor said we will do the transfer and keep our fingers crossed. Oh did I mention the important fact that my ONE egg was poor grade which means poor quality and the likelihood of it 'taking' was slim to know. But we went through the transfer. The transfer is not difficult. You are given a valium to relax you. The procedure takes 2 seconds. Its amazing really. Than they wheel you into recovery where you lay for about an hour.

During the months of preparation and other procedures the song "Daughters" came out. I of course so badly wanted a healthy baby...but favored the idea of having a girl. I would listen to the song over and over again as my inspiration. Laying in recovery listening to the radio in the clinic...Daughters came on. I got very teary and looked at hubby and said, "maybe this is a sign?". We did the 2 week wait...which seemed to be 2 months. And on my anniversary I did a home test and found I was pregnant. Officially told the next day after the bloodwork that I was indeed pregnant. JOY beyond belief. My miracle baby. The docs were astounded. They copied my ultrasound pics to show other patients that it is possible and not to give up hope that it only takes 1 fertilized egg to make a baby. In fact there was a brief week they thought it was twins as there were two sacs but...the other never happend. I had one baby. In my 21st week of pregnancy I found out my baby was a girl and I was over the moon. 3 days later I went into premature labor and after 12 hours of labor gave birth to a pre-mature stilbborn baby girl. She was beautiful and I was heartbroken. I would listen to the song "Daugthers" and just be heartbroken at the loss of my baby girl. It was a pain I will never completely recover from.

It took me one year to recover both emotionally and physically and a few minor procedures to get my body ready for another cycle of Invitro. This time the prodding and shots resulted in 11 viable fertilized eggs. The doctor recommended only transfering 2 and the embryologist recommended I transfer 4. We decided to transfer 3. We were hoping for a singleton (1) pregancy as I had been diagnosed with incompetent cervix and I feared if I got pregnant with more than 1 I would for sure lose the babies. I knew a surgical procedure (cerclage) was needed at 15 weeks. I knew 6 months of bedrest was in my future. I embraced it all....just let it work.

So we transfered the 3 and as they wheeled me out of the recovery for my wait, I asked for the same room (actually a little cubicle) to lay in as previously as it had a window I liked to look at while I waited. The radio on....remember a year later...and lo and behold John Mayers "Daughters" comes on. Beyond Tears. Could this be a sign again? I was so scared to get my hopes up but I felt that this coincidence was a sign and let it comfort me somewhat.

Gosh those two weeks were equally long. The only comfort I found was that Week 2 of the wait period brought on heartbearn and a nauseau I had never felt before. That nauseau stayed with me for 14 weeks as I discovered, yes it did work, yes I was pregnant and yes, it was with one baby who I later found out was a baby girl.

One daughter never replaced the other. I still long for Sophie's sister and wish I could have had both. I was scared of how I would feel if it were a girl, I was scared to wish too much for a daughter I can raise and share my life with. I would lay in bed and envision my lost firstborn daughter in heaven with my grandma and grandpa and uncle and all the loved ones I lost who were taking good care of 'the baby'. I had a lot of time on my hands to think A LOT as I had the 6 month bedrest to get through. Very nervewracking and emotional. But on October 3rd, her actual due date, Sophie "RoRo" entered the world and filled my heart. On June 11th it was 5 years since I had lost my daughter. She will always be in my heart. Now when I hear "Daugthers" I think of both of my baby girls. The one I had lost and is an angel in heaven and the other who is my earth angel and the light of my life. SO THANKS John Mayer!! ;)