What Makes A Good Mommy

Do you find that you often ask yourself "Am I a good Mother?" or "Was that something a good mom would do?".  Self analysis can be exhausting.  Besides, what the heck is a good mom?!  I have seen all types of moms "The Perfectionist", "The Multi-tasker", "The Do-Gooder", "The Attached Parent".  What kind of mom are you? Can I opt out on defining myself? I would prefer to think I have no labels. Because I don't fit any mold and if you try to put me in one I may fight back!

I am not a single mom although sometimes feels like one.  I am a working mom but work for myself and can relate to the SAHM, the WAHM and the WAOM (work at office mom).  I have one child not many as others do, however, I have a husband with a disability.  We we all have something.  I always feel I can relate across the board to many different "Types" of moms...except the "Perfectionist" mom...please keep her away from me!

To the moms who spend a lot of time in their heads, social media is a double edge sword.  For us "Mommy Bloggers" (can I be a part of the club!?) it connects us to other moms.  I love connecting with mommies, foodies, avid readers, creative types, writers and even television addicts.  I love talking about deep political concerns, the environment, the future of the world but also love to dish on what's going on between Jon and Kate. From the complex to the simple. Isn't that what life is all about?

Do you realize although it connects us, social media also has a downside.  It's called ENVY.  Now mind you, I am not a jealous person, and I love my life and have rarely felt I wanted to be in anyone's shoes but mine.  However, with the introduction of social media I sometimes find myself on especially difficult days, envying friends who post gorgeous photos of their beautiful LARGE families in front of their beautiful LARGE homes on their way to their beautiful LARGE vacations. While I have a very small family, in our small 3-bedroom home and our rare vacation. The only thing LARGE is my growing waisteline!

So let's keep it real "WHAT DOES MAKE A GOOD MOMMY?".  Do you pay attention to your child's emotional needs? Do you take care of your child's physical needs? Do you let your child know he/she is loved? Do you care about their cognitive skills being on par? Do you take time to listen to them? Do you make them laugh? Do you say "I love you?", Do you teach them about the world around them?  There are so many opportunities to beat ourselves up...you let your child have a pacifier for too long or a bottle for too long, or you let your kid sleep in your bed, you don't like to let your child cry herself to sleep.  Society and those who like to judge will turn their nose up at many of us..or maybe we do it to ourselves? Why do we care what others think and do we? or are we just our worst critic?

I guess it's the old expression is your glass half full or half empty? Although I may not have the large family, the large house or the large vacation, I have the most amazing beautiful daughter who fills my soul, a satisfying  career and my husband who even on bad days is my best friend. So envy that self!

But if you are the woman who feels she has it all and is the PERFECT MOMMY...and you never have any of self doubting feelings PLEASE tell me how do you keep from pulling your hair out when your 3 year old child has a meltdown because we have no more bananas in the house? Please share...I am listening and I am willing to learn!

THE Path Undetermined...Or MANY Paths?

ONE PATH OR MANY?

REACHING OUT AND FINDING HOPEFUL POSSIBILITIES
Life has been rather strange as of late. Of course we all know by now I lost my job. But simply put I am finding a sense of freedom. Certainly NOT financial freedom as I have quite little in the bank, cobra has not kicked in and no unemployment payments thanks to the inadequacy left behind. So I get the fear and anxiety nearly daily...or moments of it.

But there at least seems to be SOOOO many possibilities that have been hitting me left and right. None that has lead to me to get paid yet but things I enjoy doing none the less. I fear I may be following too many paths and I may need to give one up at some point. But that challenge would be welcomed because it would mean I am providing for my family once again.

First and foremost is my counseling practice. I have my Masters in Social Work and work with Seniors. I visit them in their homes and I love what I do. Bringing some peace to someone who is on the last miles of their life journey is extremely rewarding. I learn much from many of my clients as I hope they learn from me. This will work out for me as my primary job and source of income (I am a Medicare provider which most of my seniors are on) and in the meantime I am enjoying the creative process of "marketing" and "selling" myself. I gained much knowledge on my past job for this I am thankful. This time I get to do it MY way as I am the BOSS.

I am also feeling that I am getting to have some more creativity in my life along with being able to interact with so many different people (last job kept me isolated). I am hoping to always hold onto this as I feel it nurtures me through and through. If I can find a way to make money doing it great. I seem to be on a path for it to be mostly fun and some pocket change to boot. I am doing some freelance writing which allows me to do what I have loved and partly neglected...to write and even take photos to go along with my reading. Perhaps I can spend some time writing 'THAT BOOK".

While I am doing this and keeping busy I get to be a mom. I am home with my daughter while she is about to begin preschool part time. I get to drop her off and pick her up. I get to make play dates and work around my other projects. I get to make friends even! I know I have mentioned this before but my husband has a 'mild' seizure disorder due to a head injury (courtesy of Mr. Drunk Driver in 95), because of this we do not let him stay home alone with my daughter AND he is not able to drive until we get them under control again (three years working on this). So, I don't get to leave and go to a book club, volunteer, or attend a weight watchers meeting or a dinner/movie with a girlfriend unless I make other arrangements. Now I get about 12 hours to work AND play. How fun is that?! My daughter will only benefit from mommy taking care of herself.

So along with being a mom and wife....I declare its time to take care of me too! Here I come Weight Watchers and dare I say....gym!? Gasp. I have a free one in my development. Until I get super busy with my work, I need to take advantage of this new found time!

So you see the expression rings true...when one door closes another opens....or is it when one path begins several others branch off!?

MISERY LOVES COMPANY...EVERYONE SHOULD LOSE THEIR JOBS IN TWO'S

As my EX-COWORKER says, "It should be a law that you lose your job in two's", which is exactly what happened to us. On August 20th (the date I will always remember because it was my Grandpa's 90th Birthday that day), EV and I were marched into our boss' office and given the grim news of the fate of our positions....elimination. Reactions differ amongst people in these type of situations. Me...CRY, Ev...Whoa...slow down, what???? Yes, shock and awe as I stated in previous posts.

The good thing about this GROUP TERMINATION is that you have the opportunity to console one another, root each other on, and assist each other through the red tape of unemployment, cobra, and all that fun stuff.

Today I had the opportunity to 'work' a brief gig and was happy to share this job with my friend, EV. It was great working as a team. She knows my strengths and weakness' and vice verse. It was even better getting to spend some down time brainstorming on how to reinvent ourselves, what we think each other should do with our lives and how to go about getting this accomplished. Does Misery love company? Sure but Joy and Fun loves company even more.

After a really decent lunch we took ourselves to the outside lounge while listening to Coffee House on Sirius (my personal favorite), we laughed and laughed. Nothing like two girls with no place to be during work hours forgetting about how to pay the bills that are going to come in. See when the Miserable spend time together the end result can be joyous. Isn't that the beauty of time spent with girlfriends. Do guys have this much fun being miserable?

The Top 10 Reason Why Unemployment is NOT so Bad

Its been an interesting few weeks since I got layed off. The days pass with lots of paperwork, faxing, emailing, phone calls, networking and all that fun stuff that being unemployed includes. Am I scared out of my mind sometimes?! YES. Being the primary salary for our family I do not have the luxury to spend a lot of time 'off'. I am proud of myself as I have hit the ground running. Gave myself 1-2 days to cry, lay in the fetal position and wonder why me? I am drilling into my head "have faith". Its out of my control. I can only do what I can do so I shall at least find some reasons to enjoy my current situation. As I reinvent myself and build my counseling practice for Seniors, I hope to be able to be my own boss and have some independence while supporting my family. There are positives to this, And here is what I came up with...

10. I FINALLY GOT TO DO SPRING CLEANING. Thanks to my friend, I finally cleaned out my place. I am not done yet but I had about 6 bags of garbage and 20++ donation bags. It was cleansing to get rid of stuff I won't use again. A little sad as some of those items were Sophie's baby stuff.

9. MORE TIME TO COOK AND TRY RECIPES. Now I am a foodie by heart. Love to watch FoodNetwork, read Food Blogs, clip recipes. But working 50 hours a week did not allow a lot of time for that addiction. Now I have the chance to try the recipes I have been saving. Of course my main focus is Meals on a Budget that are healthy. Which brings me to to the next item....

8. FOCUS SOME TIME ON MYSELF AND GET HEALTHY. There really is no excuse other than its hotter than heck here. But its time. Time to get myself back to Weight Watchers and doing some activity. Its time to get healthy for me and my family.

7. DOCTORS DOCTORS AND MORE DOCTORS. In relation to item 8, I have neglected myself. Having a husband that cannot drive at the moment allows me little time to get myself to the doctors. I first take Sophie, than if I can squeeze in between all the hours of work I take hubby. I have kept up on my physicals but that is it. Now I need to do the things I really should have done a year or two ago (e.g. mammogram, skin doctor, dentist). I also need to focus on hubby and getting him better so he can maybe get his life back...this includes neurologist and more tests.

6. GET MY DAUGHTER READY FOR PRESCHOOL. Sophie starts pre-school part time in 2 weeks. OMG!!! Some energy is needed to get all the things I need to to make sure she is prepared. Including clothes, school materials, paperwork from the preschool, etc. Now instead of dropping her off and going to work all worried about how she is doing while my mom picks her up. I get to drop her off and pick her up without rushing to the office.

5. VOLUNTEER AT PRESCHOOL. Similar to item 6. I am so looking forward to volunteering for PTO. I have already selected committees I want to be a part of AND I spoke with her teacher and told her I am here to help with whatever. This is exciting to me as I never have a chance for volunteer work or time to meet with other mommy's and make friends. Usually I am running home to work or running to the office. This is going to be a new experience for me and I desperately need to make some girlfriends.

4. TIME FOR PLAYDATES. Working a 9-5 job (which was even more hours than that), does not allow you much opportunity to make playdates. Playdates is both important to child and parent. Luckily Sophie has a best friend whose mommy is one of my closest friends and comes over even while I am working at home so the girls could play. But now that Sophie starts school, she will meet other boys and girls and now instead of feeling bad that I cant make playdate arrangements I can schedule playdates on my down time around my work responsibilities cause I am my own boss.

3. MOMMY IS LESS STRESSED. Surprisingly the stress over how to pay the bills is there but not as strong as the stress mommy had with her job. I didn't even realize how stressed out I had been the past couple years. As I was burdened with more responsibilities at my job, the balancing act became very challenging and difficult. I would work my heart off for my job. I loved my job, but was rarely appreciated or thanked. Many times I felt like the office pooper scooper picking up all the work that no one else could do. I was stretched thin. I was stressed out and hubby and daughter sensed it. I tried to hide it but it did not work. Now I feel it myself, I feel myself breathing easier, I feel myself not getting upset over little things, I feel myself being in the moment more and I can imagine my 2.5 year old feels it too.

2. EXPLORING EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES. With this down time, while I network and build my practice and look for ways to make money for my family, I am getting opportunities to network with so many different people who bring innovation & creativity back to my life. I love writing and be a part of a creative community. I get to blog, do some freelance writing and dedicate some time to the creative side of me that is screaming for some 'air time' in my life. Now I have some time to allow myself the 'luxury' to do what I enjoy. Ok lets not go crazy, I still got a 2.5 year old but she starts part time preschool in 2 weeks!

1. BEING A MOMMY. We working moms know that often times we dream of being able to be a full time mommy. Some may not, some may be content with the working full time. Whatever works for you is whats best. For me, I dreamed of working but having enough independence that I did not have to ask someone to allow me time to take my daughter to an appointment or a playdate or just spend the day with her dressing up, reading, coloring, doing whatever her heart contents. Now I have that. Is it exhausting...You bet. I actually could use a 'day at the office'. LOL. Luckily I have grandma who is wiling to take her and give me a break (break = faxing resume, doing paperwork, calls, etc). So for now its the best of both worlds.

I hope to be able to have so much work that I have to learn how to balance again. And although I am having a GOOD DAY....There are still days filled with fear, anxiety, depression...But those days are getting less frequent. In the meantime, I get to enjoy my TOP TEN. Now if I can only figure out how I am going to pay the bills. Perhaps next TOP TEN should be about that! ;)

Oh No! I Lost My Job!

PINK SLIP MONDAY - JULY 20thDeep breath. On Monday of this week, I was marched into my boss' office with my coworker and 'let go' due to financial reasons. I had worked for this non-profit for 10 Years. I did not see this coming for a split second. My own personal version of Shock and Awe.

My first reaction. Cry. I know such a lame reaction but the hurt I felt was and is profound. The way this 'letting go' was done was cold and impersonal. No thank you for your service. I had been with this organiztion for 10 years and seen it nearly triple in size. I had LOVED LOVED LOVED my job. I take it back. This was not just a job. It was in my heart. I believed in this organization and the people who volunteered for it. So hurt is an understatment.

As I bounce back and forth between the stages of grief as I truly lost my job. I am realizing each day that this recesssion is so widespread. More than I ever thought. People are coming out of the woodwork who were layed off, or took significant salary cuts. It seems its getting worse before it gets better which is what 'they' expected.

I am the primary breadwinner since my husband is currently disabled and unable to work or drive thanks to a drunk driver back in 95. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. But am I really worried? Not sure, I don't THINK so. You see I have a career to fall back on. I have my Masters in Social Work, I am licensed by my state of Florida. I work with seniors and I go to their home. I also am a medicare provider. I had a small practice before my daughter was born. I lost most of that practice when I went on bedrest during my diffiucult pregnancy. I never built it back up because my work at the non-profit kept me busy 24/7. Now I have the opportunity to be my own boss and make more money. I just need to get the clients.

I have quickly discovered there are some positives to this thing called unemployment. If I can get over the "how the heck am I going to pay the bills?". I can actually enjoy seeing straight. For so long I was a workhorse. I am a great employee to have as I tend to be OCD with my work. I am a loyal worker who does not take responsiblity lightly. I was in front of that computer 24/7 at home making sure I met deadlines, and I kept from drowning. I could barely keep my head above water. My workload kept getting bigger and bigger. I kept going and going. No time to stop and smell the roses.

One positive - I am the only driver in my house. I was having trouble keeping up with doctor appointments, lab work, tests, etc for both me and hubby as daughter is always first. So where are the plus side? I get to focus on hubby, getting him evaluated by a different doctor, brining him for tests and doctor visits to try to get his seizures under control so he can get out of the house and join the 'real world' once again (he hasn't been driving for 3 years now).

And yet another positive. I get to spend non-pressured fun time with daughter. On my first day of unemployement my daugther squeeled with joy and said "mommy, i so happy". Why? Because mommy was breathing again. Mommy was not running for the phone, leaving for an office, coming home late from work, or in front of my laptop. Mommy was being a full time mommy. And Sophie was eating it up.

So where do I go from here? I build my practice and network. Fate is playing a part in this as I met an intersting lead just my first day of unemployment. So I ordered my business cards, postcards, etc. I updated my resume. I filed for unemployment and I am creating a plan of action.

In the meantime I am selling Children's Books so if your interested visit http://heatco.barefootbooks.com/. (I know plug plug).

Oh and another plus...I have more time to post here! Now if I can just get some readers!!!!LOL

A Week of Loss: MJ, FF and EM...Sad...Can We Move On

Rest in Peace - ED, FARRAH AND MICHAEL

Ok, Since I have no apparent fans yet...and Pop Culture is admitedly a part of my life we must address some celebrity news...this week started off with Ed McMahon dying...sad but not a tragedy he had a good fairly long life..to Farrah which was somewhat more sad for me as she had a awful struggle with cancer and my heart breaks for her. No one...or at least mostly no one should have to suffer like she did. It was expected, she had been given last rights and was surrounded by her loved ones (except Redmond who is in jail for drug charges). On the same day mere 4 hours later or so...Michael Jackson. Iconic. Controversial. Undeniably talented. Relatively healthy. Sudden death. SHOCK.
The first night I got it. MJ was the headline news. Farrah a mere scroll at the bottom of the screen. This angered me. How do we measure a life? Why is MJ more important?? But ok can live with the fact taht all news channels were having 24/7 coverage of MJ....following his body to the morgue, the morbid last picture of him as they try to revive him (can't belief the disrespect in the one who took and the one who bought and the ones who air). Than the shock. The fans outside the hospital. His bios are next. Who was Michael Jackson. Now the focus on the celeb doctors out there who are catalysts for these types of sad stories.

But tonight is Saturday. Night 3 of the coverage and I am wanting to pull my eyelashes out of my eyes. What about the NEWS??? Have we forgot whats going on in Iran. a mere few hours before MJ dies we were all about the suffering of those who are trying to just peacefully rally and be heard. What about any news going on in the White House. Bills being past, debates discussions, etc. I will even watch the unwatchable....the newest Politician to cheat on his wife. JUST GIVE THIS NEWS JUNKIE HER NEWS ALREADY.

Am I being disrespectful? I don't mean to be...As a FB friend's status said, enough is enough. We have our boys and girls in a war dying every day. Lets get a little perspective.

Yes, Michael Jackson had talent, was a tortured soul, had 3 children and a mother/siblings, and most likely someone who wanted to live...and was tragically lost. That is sad. Just stop the 24/7 coverage for those who yearn for some actual news. RIP Ed, Farrah, and Michael

DAUGHTERS

THANK YOU JOHN MAYER!!!!
Gosh I am at work (shhhh) and taking a 'break' listening to my internet music and John Mayer's "Daughters" just came on. That song has significant meaning for me and became a very special sign that I was having my miracle daughter.

It was January 2004, I had just gone through my first Invitro Fertilization procedure. I had been pinned and prodded and given a plethera of shots by my very good 'doctor' husband who learned how to do the shots without much pain. All this and I produced ONE viable fertilized egg to transfer. Some said why bother? Freeze and try to get some more fertilzied eggs. My doctor said we will do the transfer and keep our fingers crossed. Oh did I mention the important fact that my ONE egg was poor grade which means poor quality and the likelihood of it 'taking' was slim to know. But we went through the transfer. The transfer is not difficult. You are given a valium to relax you. The procedure takes 2 seconds. Its amazing really. Than they wheel you into recovery where you lay for about an hour.

During the months of preparation and other procedures the song "Daughters" came out. I of course so badly wanted a healthy baby...but favored the idea of having a girl. I would listen to the song over and over again as my inspiration. Laying in recovery listening to the radio in the clinic...Daughters came on. I got very teary and looked at hubby and said, "maybe this is a sign?". We did the 2 week wait...which seemed to be 2 months. And on my anniversary I did a home test and found I was pregnant. Officially told the next day after the bloodwork that I was indeed pregnant. JOY beyond belief. My miracle baby. The docs were astounded. They copied my ultrasound pics to show other patients that it is possible and not to give up hope that it only takes 1 fertilized egg to make a baby. In fact there was a brief week they thought it was twins as there were two sacs but...the other never happend. I had one baby. In my 21st week of pregnancy I found out my baby was a girl and I was over the moon. 3 days later I went into premature labor and after 12 hours of labor gave birth to a pre-mature stilbborn baby girl. She was beautiful and I was heartbroken. I would listen to the song "Daugthers" and just be heartbroken at the loss of my baby girl. It was a pain I will never completely recover from.

It took me one year to recover both emotionally and physically and a few minor procedures to get my body ready for another cycle of Invitro. This time the prodding and shots resulted in 11 viable fertilized eggs. The doctor recommended only transfering 2 and the embryologist recommended I transfer 4. We decided to transfer 3. We were hoping for a singleton (1) pregancy as I had been diagnosed with incompetent cervix and I feared if I got pregnant with more than 1 I would for sure lose the babies. I knew a surgical procedure (cerclage) was needed at 15 weeks. I knew 6 months of bedrest was in my future. I embraced it all....just let it work.

So we transfered the 3 and as they wheeled me out of the recovery for my wait, I asked for the same room (actually a little cubicle) to lay in as previously as it had a window I liked to look at while I waited. The radio on....remember a year later...and lo and behold John Mayers "Daughters" comes on. Beyond Tears. Could this be a sign again? I was so scared to get my hopes up but I felt that this coincidence was a sign and let it comfort me somewhat.

Gosh those two weeks were equally long. The only comfort I found was that Week 2 of the wait period brought on heartbearn and a nauseau I had never felt before. That nauseau stayed with me for 14 weeks as I discovered, yes it did work, yes I was pregnant and yes, it was with one baby who I later found out was a baby girl.

One daughter never replaced the other. I still long for Sophie's sister and wish I could have had both. I was scared of how I would feel if it were a girl, I was scared to wish too much for a daughter I can raise and share my life with. I would lay in bed and envision my lost firstborn daughter in heaven with my grandma and grandpa and uncle and all the loved ones I lost who were taking good care of 'the baby'. I had a lot of time on my hands to think A LOT as I had the 6 month bedrest to get through. Very nervewracking and emotional. But on October 3rd, her actual due date, Sophie "RoRo" entered the world and filled my heart. On June 11th it was 5 years since I had lost my daughter. She will always be in my heart. Now when I hear "Daugthers" I think of both of my baby girls. The one I had lost and is an angel in heaven and the other who is my earth angel and the light of my life. SO THANKS John Mayer!! ;)

I Do! I Do!

LITTLE MISS INDEPENDENT

No, its not a bride or groom on their wedding day. Its the most common sound of my day living with my 2.8 yr old daughter, Sophie. My daughter has taken this I DO to the next level...she has become obsessed with a particular episode of Cailou where little sister Rosie wants to put her own shoes on and in her sweet voice says "I Do Cailou I Do". Well Sophie's response to this episode is "thats so funny!". For weeks now I hear every day..."Momma, Cailous...I do I do". Thank you speech therapist for helping my daughter learn to speak more...now I know what she wants!

Do you remember Erik Erikson from child psychology classes (shout out to psych majors). Mr. Erikson explained it best. My 2 year old is going through Autonomy versus Shame (Will) in which its very normal for my child to say I DO or NO or pull away as we try to assist them with their daily activities. My litle Sophie is learning to have self-control, courage and will. Erikson goes onto say that this is the time in which we have the opportunity to build our child's self-esteem. Makes sense but enough text book...in practical terms....this is a stage we can totally screw up our child. React the wrong way too many times and we will have a child with poor self-esteem. How is that for pressure? OMG!? How can I avoid whatever pitfalls my mom fell into...as I did not have the best self esteem growing up (not to mention being overweight and many issues that came with that?!).

The power of being a mommy is pretty darn scary. Is it ok to fall back on the standard "do the best you can..its all you can do"? I think not. I think our generation can be a little more informed (but not too informed...lets not get OCD here). Its easier to be informed than our parents. They didn't talk. They literally had no outlet to share. No internet...no Mommy and Me. They had their neighborhood coffee klutches filled with others who were clueless. At best they had Phil Donohue..who I am not certain covered a lot of topics on children or not but it was clearly not enough. We have the internet, classes, message boards, facebook, twitter and my new find...BLOGS!!!!

So join me in taking a collective deep breath and next time as my daughter slows me up to put on her shoes (even if on the wrong foot like Rosie), I will simply take a deep breath. I can be a few minutes late for that appointment?! Let her learn to put her shoes on...encourage her..embrace her independence and always let her know her momma is here to guide her and yet give her that chance to suceed or fail even if it takes forever to get the darn shoes on!Oh and by the way....That Cailou episode we talked about earlier has been replaced with the one where Cailou gets hurt and needs band-aids on his knees. This episode supports her newest obsession....band-aids! Let me go see what Erikson has to say about that.

Escaping with Old Friends.

TIME WITH OLD FRIENDSI just spent the weekend with my childhood girlfriends. It was to be a combination of events: 1 Wedding, 2 New babies and 1 friend who had terminal cancer. Unfortunately my friend passed just a week before my visit. With sadness I used this visit as a cathartic retreat with my friends. My real friends. I went solo....no husband and no 2 1/2 year old. Just me, myself and I. A rare treat. I have not gone anywhere that was not a work related trip by myself. This was all about me. Not work. Not family obligations. Just taking care of me and boy did I accomplish just that.One of the biggest differences between a an 'friend' and a real friend...is the ability to listen coupled with a desire to give you what you need. Its mutual. Give and take. This time I was on the take (very rare for me). Now 2 out of the 4 of my friends who I visited with were mommies. I strategically stayed in a friends house without kids (how bad is that but remember I had the goal of complete selfishness and relaxation). My friends heard what I needed 1) SLEEP 2) Down Time 3) spending time with each of their familes and kiddies 4) visiting my old chlidhood places and video them to show my daughter. They did not push for more exciting plans. There was no "we have to go to this new place that is supposed to be the place to go", there was no "I have to run errands...come along with me and we'll squeeze your needs in. They knew what I needed and as a true friend wanted to make sure I was taken care of.

Something very relevant here is that I am married 10 years to my best friend....my husband who has a disability which does not allow me to leave my daughter home with him at the moment (his seizures can still scare her and hurt her if he he is not aware of what he is doing). So I don't get a whole lot of girlfriend time or alone time. I have my parents nearby but I keep them busy watching the little one on the few days per week so I can go to my office.

My friends knew it was a long time before I relaxed without worries. I don't want to give the impression I am always about me! So what did I do during my escape weekend. I cooked with a girlfriend, I remembered a lost girlfriend with another friend, I watched the kiddies play at a park on a beautiful day, I held two lovely little baby boys, I danced at a friends wedding, and I slept. Boy did I sleep well. I had a cozy room that made me feel as if I was in a bed and breakfast. I was in heaven. But boy did I miss my little girl and wish she could share in this experience with me. There is always next time. My friends made me feel home. Made me feel safe and at peace. It was a nice feeling. Why can't I feel that every day? Responsibilites for one...having to be the primary provider of my family. Everyone counts on me. I love my life. I SO love my life. Just wish there was a little more money in the bank. Being able to breath. Its always about $ and I hate it.....ok deep sigh. Inhale...Exhale.

Now I leave you with my question...how do you find a mommy friend who knows you like your childhood friends, who is there for you without conditions, who has similar values, interests and beliefs about raising kids all wrapped into one? I find this a challenge. Will this change when my child enters preschool next year? Maybe its where I live, I just wish people would put down the masks and just keep it real. Don't be afraid to show us your not the best housekeeper. A real friend won't judge and will simply understand when you close your bedroom door on us. We get it....its just too real. We all have one of those rooms!!

Than there is the time. How do I make a friend if I can't give you much time? Phone time limited to cel phone conversations in the car taking over my 2.5 yr old who says "she wants to talk". I can't have many playdates because I work full time. Unless they are willing to stop by on a day I work from home and let me be in front of my laptop while we hang for an hour or two. I can't leave the little one w/ hubby due to the forementioned seizures. My mom gives me a lot and I can't ask for her to watch little one much more than i am. I have neglected my marriage and myself for nearly 3 years. My dreams of wanting a large family are gone. I have replaced it with a fabulous little girl who gets me and I get her and I am SO into her. She fulfils me and I can't wait to share my life with her, teach her, learn from her, love her. I have a husband who is my best friend...we have been through so much together and I love him. I do love him. We just have a lot going on with his not being able to drive...and get out....and work at the moment (for the past 3 years). Its tough. He hates it and I wish I could lean on him a bit more. We are working through it and I have complete faith in us as a family.

OH MY what a path I JUST went down. I knew this blog would be theraputic. But its scary to put it out there. Do I want anyone who knows me to KNOW me? Draft or Post? DRAFT or POST? Gonna go choose.

The Start...My Very First Blog

HERE GOES....
MY FIRST EVER BLOG ENTRY

I am just jumping in....trial by fire. Thanks to Twitter I have been introduced to the blog world.

I know I am supposed to ask myself "What is the purpose" of my blog? I love to write and I have gotten away from writting for too long. So my gut says to get the creative juices flowing again. My other gut says it can be both theraputic and entertaining. Than finally my last gut tells me that I am not writing enough down about my 2 year old daughter. I want to keep these memories alive in my brain which is slowly aging. Maybe by blogging some of my memories they will keep?

Sooooo how do I start this blog? Well I guess I just did. Do you want to know more about me? LOL I am a married mom of a 2 year old. I am a working mom who would love to be an at home mom. I have lots of guilt. Guilt about everything. That is the Jew in me. Am I a good enough mom? Could I have more Patience? Wasn't I going to be the mom who never yelled? Expectations were high for me as I tried to get pregnant for 7 years. Had Invitro, Had a Stillborn (sigh for another time), Had Invitro Again, 6 months on bedrest and had a beautiful heathy daughter, Sophie. I finally got what I wanted my entire a life...to be a Mommy.

I could go on and on like any mom about the wonders of being a mommy. How beautiful it is to have a little me running around. She is perfect. Motherhood is all I expected and more...however it is also what I didn't fantasy about..ITS HARD!

I guess my dreams must have included me dressed in a super woman costume or something. It did NOT include the balancing act of working, being a mom, being a wife and this is where I turned to Twitter and Blogs...to find others like me who can admit to at times feeling overwhelmed and can lean on each other and most importantly laugh at life.

Everytime I connect with a mommy friend who GETS IT I know I am a normal mom and stop guilting myself for once. So thats why I am here. Hi. My name is Heather and I am Sophie's mom...whose mommy are you? After all....its all about them and some how this blog will always bring me back to my Sophie "RoRo" cause I am her Momma.